Entertaining Notions
by Fugitive
Summary: Amusing random scenes from the Tortall books twisted around, added to, and completely demented.
1. Horses Gone Wild!

Disclaimer:  I don't own any of the characters.  The italicized parts are copied directly from the book, for the reader to get a feel of the situation.  I DID NOT WRITE THOSE PARTS!  SO DON"T SUE ME!  However, the rest is mine!

A/N:  Hey all you Tamora Pierce fans!  I'm back with another story!  I will be continuing my other one, Same Ol', Same Ol', of course, but I'm going to be writing this in the meantime.  It's just random scenes from the books, twisted around, and funny things that I just made up.  I write these stories only for the pleasure of writing them, and I don't really care if you flame me.  I just won't pay attention to it.

Like I said, the italicized parts are straight from the book.  I made up everything else!  I hope you have fun reading it.

_ "How much, George?" Alanna wanted to know._

_The thief looked at the page, his hazel eyes guarded.  "Eight for the mare, ten for the tack--ten gold nobles and she's yours."  His tone dared Jon to argue.  The Prince didn't take the dare._

_Alanna__ never hesitated, though it was the largest amount she had ever paid in her life.  She counted the money into her friend's hand and returned to admiring the horse—her horse.  "We're going a long way, you and I," she whispered to the mare.  The horse butted her gently, as if agreeing._

_George took down a plain leather saddle and bridle.  "Here you go."_

_"George, if you ever want my life, you can have it,"  Alanna said quietly, meaning every word of it.  "What's her name?"_

_"She hasn't one.  The Bazhir who sold her to me didn't dare name such a noble lady."_

_"I'll call her Moonlight.  Do you like that, girl?" _

She stroked it and whispered to it, while George went to another stall to show Jonathon another horse.  It was a beautiful stallion, black as night.  The two men seemed to be arguing for a minute, then shook hands.  Jonathon and George came back towards her, leading the stallion.  

"Jon, is that yours now?"  Alanna asked.

George grinned.  "Ain't he a beauty?"  

Alanna smiled.  "What's his name?"

"Blackie," replied Jon with a goofy grin on his face.

It was getting chilly.  Alanna, who hated the cold, shivered. She drew out her Gift from inside her and lit a fire in her hand, warming herself and her friends.

The newly-named Moonlight whinnied suddenly.  Alanna sprang back, uncertain of what had disquieted the horse.  Was it because of her magic?  The horse was panting heavily and had a wild look in its eyes.  

"Alan, get out of the stall,"  Jonathon said sharply, disturbed by Moonlight's behavior.  "Alan………"

The mare suddenly reared, much to the surprise of the three companions.  The horse was slamming itself against the stall door, obviously wanting out.  

"Alan!"  yelled George.  He ran into the neighboring stall and yanked Alanna out of there, much to her relief.  "Are you alright?"  Alanna nodded, shaking.  "Look out!"  Moonlight reared again, and was breaking the wooden posts that not only separated the stalls, but supported the whole roof.

Jon had run toward the entrance of the stable, away from the horse.  "What in the name of Mithros………"  

The stallion, who had been forgotten for the moment, stood on its hind legs with its ears laid flat.  The mare was still trying to flee, and the roof was shaking with the effort. 

"Fly, you fools!" yelled George.  He grabbed Jon's and Alanna's hands and pulled them out of the collapsing stable.  The stallion chased after them, foaming at the mouth and baring its teeth.  Miraculously, Moonlight escaped from the confines of her stall, right before the whole stable collapsed into a pile of rubble.  Throwing their heads back,  the two horses galloped away into the sunset without a backwards glance, giving each other high fives.

The three companions just stood there for a long while, completely mystified.  Alanna was baffled and shaken.  Jonathon had a bewildered look on his face.  George's expression was thoughtful.  The only sound that could be heard was the light breeze that rustled the leaves lying in the stable yard.

"Damn!" yelled George.  "Those two cost me forty gold nobles each!"  

Alanna looked at him with wide eyes.  She thought about saying something encouraging and sympathetic, but she couldn't think of anything to say. 

Jonathon clapped a hand on George's shoulder. 

George shook his head and sighed.  "Oh, well.  Too bad, so sad."  He blinked and said, "Say, want to go back to the Dancing Dove?  It's kinda chilly out here."  

"Alright," said Jonathon.  "I could use some alcohol right now." 

The trio went back inside, laughing and talking, their voices blending in with the cheerful hubbub and noise of the Dancing Dove.

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So, what did ya think?  I think it was kinda stupid but I laughed while I wrote it!  R/R!  I have a bunch of other good ideas, too!

If you like this fic can you please tell me in a review, because a lack of reviews will kill my incentive to write more and update!  Thanks guys.

Next Chapter:  Keladry's mom has got it goin' on!


	2. Forget Kel, Check Out Her Mom!

Disclaimer:  The characters are not mine, blah blah blah, and the song belongs to the wonderful music group called Fountains of Wayne.  I just changed some of the words.

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Hey guys!  Ever heard the song "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains of Wayne?  This is my first songfic, and it's kinda funny.  _Especially_ if you know the song I'm talking about.  Actually, this chapter won't even be funny at all unless you HAVE heard the specified song.  It's a real song, I swear!  I hope you like it anyway, though!  

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_Keladry's__ mom has got it goin' on  
Keladry's mom has got it goin' on  
Keladry's mom has got it goin' on  
Keladry's mom has got it goin' on  
  
Cleon sighed.  He was bored out of his mind!  He wished he could be anywhere but here, at Fief Sinthya, serving food at the banquet.  He tried to hide a yawn, balancing the water bowl in his other hand._

There was Keladry, serving the next course and chatting politely with Lady Alanna and Lord Raoul.  She was so beautiful.  He sighed again.  She hadn't paid much attention to him since the Midwinter incident.  Sure, they talked like they used to, but she seemed to forget that he ever kissed her.  

His thoughts were interrupted.  "Kennan!  Kennan, Where are you?"

"Master Oakbridge?"  he answered politely.

The master's eyes were red and wild.  He was under a lot of stress.  "Kennan, one of the squires just got sick.  I need for you to take his place."

"Yes sir.  Whom shall I have the honor of serving tonight?"

"The Baron Piers of Mindelan and the Lady Ilane, his wife."

Hmmm, thought Cleon.  Keladry's parents.  He had never met them before.

_Keladry__, can I come over after school? (after school)  
We can hang around by the pool (hang by the pool)  
Did your mom get back from her business trip? (business trip)  
Is she there, or is she trying to give me the slip? (give me the slip)  
  
_

He walked over to the table that Master Oakbridge had pointed to.  Almost dropping the plate of food he was holding, he gaped at what he saw.

_  
You know, I'm not the little boy that I used to be  
I'm all grown up now, baby can't you see  
  
_The Lady Ilane of Mindelan was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen.  He hair shone in the soft glow of the candles, and her eyes sparkled with fun and mischief as she chatted and laughed with the couple sitting next to her and her husband.

He walked slowly up to the baron and baroness, his eyes wide with wonder and admiration.  _Great Mother and Mithros, he thought.  He snapped out of it for a second to wipe the drool off his face, then looked around to make sure no one saw him._

_Keladry's__ mom has got it goin' on  
She's all I want and I've waited for so long  
Keladry, can't you see you're just not the girl for me  
I know it might be wrong but I'm in love with Keladry's mom  
  
 Lady Ilane's conversation stopped briefly as Cleon approached the table.  She was looking at him!  "Hello, my lord, my lady,"  He stuttered.  Cleon winced internally at how stupid he sounded in front of this heavenly angel.  "Would you care for some tomato soup?" _

_Keladry's__ mom has got it goin' on  
Keladry's mom has got it goin' on  
  
_

"Why, yes.  Thank you, squire."  Lady Ilane's voice had a lovely, musical tilt to it.  It almost made Cleon's knees give way.  She looked him over, her eyelashes lightly fluttering.  He had never been more nervous in his life.

Cleon moved forward to serve the soup into the bowls already placed on the tables.  He gritted his teeth and prayed that he wouldn't spill it.  Not only was spilling dinner embarrassing, but it brought on severe punishments, and this was one of the most important banquets of the year.

_  
Keladry, do you remember when I mowed your lawn? (mowed your lawn)  
Your mom came out with just a towel on (towel on)  
I could tell she liked me from the way she stared  
And the way she said, "You missed a spot over there"  
  
_He was almost finished pouring the soup.  He was also watching Lady Ilane conversing and laughing with her husband.  Suddenly he felt something rub his leg from under the table.  Curious, he briefly stopped serving the soup and looked at the baroness.  It was her foot!

_And I know that you think it's just a fantasy  
But since your dad walked out, your mom could use a guy like me  
  
_Lady Ilane smiled and winked at him.

_Keladry's__ mom has got it goin' on  
She's all I want, and I've waited so long  
Keladry, can't you see you're just not the girl for me  
I know it might be wrong,  
but I'm in love with Keladry's mom_

Cleon promptly spilled the soup all over the table.  He turned bright red.  _Crap_.  Oh, when Master Oakbridge found out, there would be hell to pay.  He stammered an apology and half ran back to the kitchens.

(A few minutes later)  "KENNAN!?  YOU DID WHAT?!?!"

_Keladry's__ mom has got it goin' on  
She's all I want, and I've waited so long  
Keladry, can't you see you're just not the girl for me  
I know it might be wrong,  
but I'm in love with Keladry's mom_

Later that night, before he fell asleep, he smiled to himself.

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Okay, I admit, it was kinda dumb, but I just had to write it after I downloaded the song!  R/R and give me compliments (heehee!J), because I have a lot more funny ideas for random stories like this one.  

Listen, I don't care if anyone flames me or not.  I write these stories just for the fun of writing them, and maybe to brighten someone else's day.  I have a great time writing them!

Oh, and if you have any ideas, please PLEASE put them in your review!  I have ideas but I could always use more!  And sorry if the stuff isn't italicized, I'm learning!  Thanks!


	3. Daine's World

Disclaimer:  I don't own any of the characters.  Tamora Pierce does, and she is also the one who wrote the words that are italicized.  Those parts are in there so readers can understand what part of the book I am making fun of.  I did make allusions to a few other movies, too.  Don't sue me, 'k?

Finally I am updating!  I must say, it has been awhile.  Hopefully people will review a heck of a lot more than the last 3 chapters.  8 reviews is pretty sad.  Make me happy!

I must also say that this has got to be the randomest chapter yet (ha, randomest…).  I am going crazy because it is the first day of the second semester and I am at home, sick.  Blah.  I am having some great fun writing this, though.  

Well, then.  Let's get to it!

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This little excerpt-gone-wrong takes place during Emperor Mage, Book 3, of the Immortals series.  The whole Tortall gang is standing on the docks in Carthak, meeting Kaddar and his people.  A sadistic slave-child throws the monkey in the water.  

_The tiny creature, whatever it was, couldn't swim.  It fought to stay up, but the current dragged on its fur and limbs.  Stripping off her boots, Daine jumped over the rail and into the river.  Swimming against the current, she struck out for the drowning animal.  _She didn't mind that the water in the river was brown and muddy.  

_Treading water, she pumped liquid from the pet's lungs. _  "I'm lifeguard certified, didya know?" she said to the animal. _ He gasped.  "Shhh," she said.  "It's alright, I've got you."  He was a monkey, tiny enough to sit on her palm, with huge gray green eyes.  Around his neck was a jeweled collar._  _"No wonder you couldn't swim."  She unbuckled the thing and let it fall._

Daine could already hear the sniggers and snorts coming from the dock.  She didn't even want to turn around to look.  Wryly, she smiled to herself.  She made a note to herself to write about this to _Tortallan Miss_'s Most Embarrassing Moments column.  Being so caught up in this thought, she giggled to herself, forgetting where she was or what she was doing.  The people on the dock were deeply concerned for her sanity.

There was a brief silence. And then……

Dun DUN.

Dun DUN.

Daine looked around, trying to locate the source of the slightly familiar sound of doom.  

Dun DUN dun DUN dun DUN.

As the theme song of Jaws played, --"Oh, _that's what that is!" said Daine knowingly.--As the theme song of Jaws played, dark shapes began to appear in the water, coming closer and closer to her and slowly circling her like a vulture does its prey.  The people on the dock gasped.  Daine twirled a smoky brown curl around her finger and hummed along with the music, which was getting faster and louder.  "Huh?  Odd's bobs!"  She looked down at the water, falling out of her daze.  "Oh….."_

All the mages and warriors and potentially helpful people on the dock with weapons were too terrified to help.  Crocodiles were the worst animals to mess with; they could bite a person's arm or leg off if he or she got too close. Daine treaded water, calmly contemplating this whilst the monkey scrambled on top of her head.  Alanna was the first one to regain her senses, with her being so sensible and practical and whatnot.  "Daine, talk to the crocodiles!" she cried.  "Tell them to back off or I'll…..um….or else!"  

"Alright," said Daine uncertainly.  She cleared her throat.  "Hisssssssshwaaaaoooooooosahissss?" she said in Parseltongue.  After all, crocodiles are reptiles.  Maybe it'd work.  The monkey hissed too.  Evil monkey.

One of the dark shapes poked its head above the water, looking her in the eye with its….eye.  "What language are you speaking, kid?" asked the crocodile.  "Sheesh.  You sound like an African mambo snake on crack."  

Daine sighed.  "Yeah, I'm working on it, though."  She changed the subject.  "Hey, if you live in Carthak, how come you have an Australian accent?" she inquired curiously.

The crocodile sighed and shook its head.  "Had to get away from that Irwin fellow."

"Ah," said Daine.

"_Croiky_!___  Croiky!"  the crocodile mimicked.  "It drove me crazy."  Daine and the monkey sympathized with him.  He changed the subject.  "I like it here, though.  Nice place."  The crocodile yawned, showing all of his teeth.  "Well, I'd better get going.  Lunchtime, you know."_

"You're not going to eat me?" asked Daine, amazed.

"Nah," he responded.  "I'm allergic to smoky brown curls, and besides, your monkey there looks like it'd bite my head off."  Indeed, the evil monkey was hissing and chattering at the crocodile. "G'day, then."

"G'day!" replied Daine, trying rather foolishly to imitate his accent.  She watched him and the rest of the group of crocodiles slink away, singing to themselves.  "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, what do we do, we swim, swim, swim, ooh ooh ooh….."

Having forgotten all about her embarrassment, she turned around and swam to the dock, where someone pulled her out.  She was sopping wet, and had ruined her clothes.  The people who weren't fawning over her and drying her off were giggling at her.  Kaddar was trying to maintain order, without much success.  "Hey, shut UP, guys!"  No one listened to him.

Daine turned to Numair and growled.  "Numair, why didn't you save me?  I could have been EATEN BY A CROCODILE!"

He flinched as though she'd slapped him.  "You seemed to be doing just fine on your own," he replied nastily.  "_Magelet_."

"Oooooooh…..," the Tortallan gang chorused.  "_Burn_….."  Everyone knew how much Daine hated to be called 'magelet'.

Daine gasped, then narrowed her eyes.  She started forward and in the blink of an eye, pushed him off the dock into the murky depths of the river.  He came up sputtering, streaked with mud and stuff.  "You witch!"  Everyone gasped.  

"Stork man!"  she retorted.

"Wolf girl!"  he yelled back.  Ooooh, that was low.

"Child molester!"  True dat.

"…..uh…..MAGELET!" 

Daine gasped indignantly.  "Bastard!"

"Shut UP!"  bellowed Kaddar.  He looked at the whole Tortallan gang.  "Do these two always carry on like this?  Does she always jump in rivers to save animals?  Is she like this every day?"

Gary the Younger shrugged.  "Yep."

Kaddar stared.  "I've never seen the like of a girl like you, Daine."

Gary shrugged again.  "Welcome to Daine's world."

Duke Gareth the Elder swung his cane around and danced, breaking into song.  "Daine's world, Daine's world!"  Alanna and Gary joined in.  "Party on!  Excellent!"

"Shut UP!"  yelled Kaddar.  Everyone quieted and looked at him.  "Let's go eat lunch, then, shall we?" he said rather stiffly.  Everyone followed him off the dock single file and went into the palace, Daine being at the very back of the line.

"Hey, what about me?" whined Numair.  "I'm hungry too."  Everyone had forgotten about him and he was still floating in the river.  "DAINE!"  Just before the gate was shut, Daine turned around and blew him a raspberry.  Then she strolled inside to enjoy a delicious lunch.

"DAINE!"

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Well, there you have it!  I did have quite a bit of fun with this.  Now, will you please please review?  I'll write more if you review.  G'night, mates!

~Fugitive


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